Gaming Is Sexy.

My Lilith from Borderlands Cosplay!

2010-11-01T17:24:00.001-07:00

So, here's something neat. I dressed up as Lilith from Borderlands this year for Halloween and it turned out pretty not awful! Hoorah!

In other news, I realized I have WAY too much crap going on. I'm on like 5 buttmillion different websites and I barely have time to write for any of them. So, I may be letting Gaming is Sexy go quiet for a while. BUT! You should instead find me over at my IGN blog and mini-community:

http://people.ign.com/lisafoiles <-- GO THERE & TALK AT ME!

I like it over there. No one has cussed me out yet.

So for now, here's me kissing my little Blogspot blog spot farewell. That is, until I feel like posting in here again. Which could be tomorrow. Who knows! I like to stay unpredictable.

This Kinect, Move, Wii B.S. – WE’RE GOING THE WRONG DIRECTION. Introducing, “INACTIV.”

2010-09-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Like those God-awful, fugly, Sergeant Pepper-style fashion jackets, motion sensor gaming is currently all the rage. People are more excited to jump like spider monkeys around their living room in front of a camera than a Jehovah’s Witness with the latest edition of Watchtower.

That joke was probably offensive.

Anyway, the Game Industry™ has it all wrong. At both E3 and PAX Prime this year, I got to witness many mirthful souls test out Kinect and Move. Either the games – involving lots of jumping, dancing, and flailing – really wanted them to look like imbeciles, or the participants had all been suddenly struck, on stage, with severe disorders of the central nervous system. I didn’t know whether to laugh or call an ambulance, so I laughed.

(At them, not with them.)

When you’re in a group of people who are comfortable and light-hearted, and by that I mean “drunk,” games involving silliness and lots of movement are a hoot!

“Ha ha! Look at Uncle Jeff dance! He’s about to fall on grandma! Oh, what fun! That could really injure her! Ha ha!”

BUT try playing an involved game like Cranium with a group of normal, sober individuals. Participation will be less than enthusiastic and your mom trying to awkwardly act out riding a buffalo Charades-style will just make everyone want to kill themselves.

…Or maybe that’s just my family, when we aren’t all drunk which is almost never.

None of this matters anyway, since my Main Point™ is that I don’t want more gaming technology that makes me do stuff, physically. The reason I bought my consoles in the first place was so I didn’t have to get off my couch.

Instead, we need to advance our technology in the opposite direction: inward. I don’t want to swing my arm and watch it happen on the screen; I want to think about swinging my arm and watch it happen on the screen. I want my brain to do the work, not my limbs.

Therefore, I propose we come out with new gaming technology called “INACTIV.” Or some other stupid non-word like “Kinect” because America can’t get enough of that bullshit.

Inactiv will still have motion-sensing technology because it will detect when you are moving, and tell you to stop it.

In-game Message: Inactiv is sensing that you are moving too much. Sit quietly and lazily and try again.

It will recognize movements such as drinking from a soda and eating Funyuns because, duh, those are important to gaming and even more so for cognitive brain functions.

Let’s just get right down to it: When I play my Wii, I feel stupid. My brain doesn’t work the same way it does when I’m sitting on the couch with a normal-person controller. I flail in ways never thought possible and suddenly become aware of my lack of right-hand/left-hand coordination.

So, Game Industry™, let’s stop with the flail-sensing technology and start working inward to our brains. I want to THINK about dicking Kenny over in Mario Kart and then SEE it happen. And with Inactiv, he won’t be able to punch me afterward, either, because it would say this:

In-game Message: Inactiv is sensing physical violence between players. Please stop hitting each other and try again.

I HATE THIS BLOG.

2010-08-25T17:22:00.000-07:00

I'm not entirely sure why I still have this blog. It's crawling with spammers and that makes me sadface. THANKS, BLOGSPOT, YOU PIECE OF BITCH.

Watch this and rofl:

Motorcycles are Sexy.

2010-07-14T13:46:00.000-07:00

My driver’s license proudly sports an “M” in the Endorsements area because – wait for it – I have my motorcycle endorsement. After passing an unbelievably fun and challenging 3-day class a few years ago, I was awarded the coveted ability to become a freeway scalpel. YESSSS.

I love sport motorcycles with the fiery burning passion of a thousand white-hot suns.

My first bike was a 2003 Suzuki Bandit 600s, and holy crap I loved that thing. I had it for about a year before the condo complex Nazis told me I couldn’t park my car AND my bike in my parking spot. EFFERS.

So, I sold it and cried deeply. Or just kicked stuff, I don’t really remember.

ANYWAY.

Get a paper towel ready because if you’re anything like me, you’re about to drool all over your keyboard.

*DROOOOOOOOOL*

This is my DREAM bike: the Ducati Monster 796, in arctic white silk with a red trellis frame. I’m almost confident Ducati had me in mind, specifically, when designing this bike. It’s the perfect size and dry weight for me as a rider, and I don’t want to go any bigger on engine size because I’m not interested in killing myself.

The Monster, as far as naked bikes go, is the epitome of sexy. Every time I sit on it at the Ducati shop that I frequently visit like a dying rich relative, I hear the Archangel Gabriel himself play the upbeat section of Stairway to Heaven on a Fender Stratocaster while white lights shine on my hair that is blown backward by a mysterious gust of sexy wind. Suddenly, I’m pushing 110 mph in full Icon leathers with my matte black SHOEI helmet and gauntlet-style Alpinestars gloves, fighting for first place in the Isle of Man TT. If any of that made sense to you, let’s do lunch.

But alas, it is always short-lived, thanks to the Italian guy who works at the Ducati shop telling me to stop making “vroom” noises because it’s freaking out customers. Then he asks who told me I could sit on the bike. Then I run.

One day I’ll throw caution and hard-earned cash to the wind and purchase my cream-colored Ducati. I really miss motorcycling and hope I still remember how to make bike go. I probably will because it’s… just like… riding a bike? Does that phrase apply to motorcycles? I’m going to assume it does.

So THERE, see? I’m not just obsessed with video games; I’m also obsessed with motorcycles, name-brand cereal, and Clint Eastwood. But not necessarily in that order.

Monkey Island Fan Art - Best of the Best!

2010-07-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

My latest Kotaku article was I Pitched a Monkey Island Movie to Hollywood - a tale of courage, loyalty, sadness, and sacrifice. Well, sacrifice not so much, but all those other things, definitely. The response I received personally was mind-blowing. People shared their Monkey Island love, stories, and support - even my hero, Ron Freaking Gilbert, complimented me on the story and thanked me for being such a dedicated fan, because without psycho-loyal fans like me, he would, and I quote, be working at McDonald's. I love that man.

My original plan for my column was to use a few of my favorite pieces of MI fan art, but in the end my editor and I only ended up using one. BOO!!!

HOW. EVER. I love MI fan art SO MUCH that I'm going to flaunt my favorites here for your extreme viewing pleasure. They are so extremely kickass.

This is the only piece of art that made it into my finished article. By Miki Montlló

My absolute favorite fan art piece of all time. "Blue" by Dan Lee

The above pieces by the very talented Anna Lee.

"The Horror of Monkey Island" by DominusElf and LeChuck by Dan Lee.

Again, both by Dan Lee.

First photo by BlueRogueVyse, second by Lyra Michan.

First by Sanne-kampfkohlrabi, second by Cutthrush.

Everyday Achievements - My Web Series!

2010-07-04T16:12:00.000-07:00

I've been teasing it for about 8,000 years, but the day has finally arrived. I present to you my brand new web series, Everyday Achievements!

The series stars everyone at Save Point. But it mostly stars me. ME. The video quality is questionable, the audio is hit or miss, the editing was obviously done by an amateur (me), but whatever. It's just random, fun crap you can watch when you are bored or if there are no reruns of Arrested Development on. Mother of God I love that show.

But I also love our show. So, without further adoodoo, here is Episode 1 of Everyday Achievements.

To see Episode 2, as well as cast bios and our episode guide, CLICK HERE!

Kinect is an Instrument of Doom

2010-06-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

I compare the magnitude and excitement of this year’s E3 to that of Woodstock, only with significantly less nudity. The game previews were exhilarating, the presentations inspiring, the parties invigorating! There are some amazing technological advances being technologically developed for the advancement of technology, but only one terrifies me:

KINECT.

First of all, "Kinect," to my knowledge, is not even a word. Non-words are the first indication that some sort of black magic trickery is at work.

Secondly, the government has got to be involved with Kinect, because no game company would create technology that cannot fully be utilized whilst sitting down. Gamers are not active people, yet Kinect was built around the concept of moving, jumping, dancing, flailing, etc. Do we honestly see gamers doing that for hours on end, for days in a row like they do with controllers? No. That’s why the government is tricking us into exercising by offering us Kinect. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten our American right to not exercise.

AND not only are they tricking us into exercising, they are tricking us into developing rhythm. Okay, well that one I can get behind. I’ve danced at clubs with gamers. It’s like watching someone suddenly become stricken with a severe disorder of the central nervous system.

Thirdly, this new Yoostar 2 technology is going to put me out of work. In case you are ignorant, Yoostar 2 is movie karaoke. The Kinect camera places you in a movie scene and then displays dialogue for you to read, so it’s like you’re a bona fide movie star. Don’t get me wrong; I love Yoostar. In fact, I watched Leonard Nimoy demonstrate the game at E3. He performed a scene from The Terminator. If watching Spock say, “I’ll be back” Arnold-style isn’t a mind-blowing brain-melter, I don’t know what is. Anyway, this game is going to make everyone think they are an actor, or even help them to become a better actor. I DON’T NEED ANY MORE ACTORS WITH WHICH TO COMPETE. THERE ARE ENOUGH OF THEM.

Fourth, I hope all those animals are having fun in their 2x2 cages at the humane society, because, thanks to Kinectimals, there will be no more pet adoptions! Or at least there will be significantly less adoptions! What kid wants a mangy pooping mutt when they can play with a freaking tiger cub that smiles and does back flips? I know it’s creepy that it smiles! That’s not the point! The point is that the world is ending.

Also, you think it’s bad to fight over the remote now? Just watch that dumb Kinect demo video where the happy family is watching the movie, then the little boy walks in and says, “Pause!” The movie pauses, he sits down, says, “Play!” and the movie commences. And the rest of the family smiles, as if to say, “Gee, Bobby! It’s so nice of you to get home early from the ice cream parlor with Suzy so you can watch the moving picture show with us on Super Happy Fun Family Movie Wednesday! Here, have some freshly baked American apple pie!” Are you kidding me? If that kid did that, I would be like, “BOBBY WTF This is OUR movie we’re watching! Stop just waltzing in here and saying ‘PAUSE’ like you’re the gosh-damned King of England! PLAY!” Then it would play, and Bobby would get pissed and yell, “PAUSE!” then I’d yell, “PLAY!” then he’d yell, “EJECT!!” and I’d say, “YOU EFFER IT CAN’T EJECT WITH THE MEDIA CENTER SLIDING DOOR CLOSED! YOU’LL BREAK IT!” and then we’d fight. This behavior is normal because we’re in America and that works for us, but do we really need Kinect to encourage this type of hostile interaction? No. We do not.

So, Kinect is the harbinger of death and destruction in Skynet proportions. Of course I’m going to buy one, because I’m a weak-minded sheep who must have everything that the video game industry tells me is cool and revolutionary. But that’s my own personal demon I have to deal with. The rest of you should be worrying about real demons. Like the ones that will fly out of your Kinect camera.

E3, Alan Wake, and That Awesome Game No One is Playing (Split/Second).

2010-05-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

TOPIC A.

The people at E3 are apparently unaware of my spastic, paranoid behavior when around large groups of people, which causes me to shout profanities and tackle security guards while yelling “JUST TELL ME WHERE THE BATHROOM IS,” and decided to let me into E3 anyway. So, I’ll be there. If you will also be there, definitely say hi, but don’t approach me too fast. I flail when startled.

TOPIC B.

Alan Wake is the single scariest creative production to ever come out of a human brain. I’m thoroughly convinced that Stephen King would crap his diapers if he played this game. I realize I may be exaggerating here, but as is usually the case when I exaggerate, I don’t care.

I’m only about halfway through the game, so when I finish I’ll have to write a full blog post detailing how much the experience truly scarred me. Like when I watched Jaws last month. Sharks are not okay.

Bottom line: Alan Wake is NOT a game… It’s an experience. Absolutely check it out. But I understand if you are currently too busy tying prostitutes to railroad tracks in Red Dead Redemption to make time for Mr. Wake’s Nightmare Doom Coaster of Unholy Death and Soiled Pants. …Such a better title.

TOPIC 3.

SPLIT/SECOND. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. JUST BECAUSE A GAME COMES OUT ABOUT CARS AND RACING AND GOING ASS FAST BUT DOESN’T INVOLVE ANY GUNS OR HOT NAKED WOMEN, YOU THINK IT’S OKAY TO JUST – TO JUST NOT BUY IT?!

FINE. I realize you are not made of dollars. I realize you can’t just go around willy-nilly buying every new game that comes out. BUT. Do me a favor and check out Split/Second if you can. Setting off explosions to alter your course and eff up other drivers is more fun than you could possibly imagine. I almost like it better… than… cover your eyes.......................… Burnout.

You: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH???

…I know what I said.

I Love Fable 2 So Much, I Never Want to Play It Again.

2010-04-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

Fable 2. You’ve probably never heard of it. It was a rarely mentioned title enjoyed by primitive gamers many moons ago. Well, I tried it, loved it, became wildly addicted and can now brag about having 1,000-something achievement points from both the game and the downloadable content, which really isn’t anything to brag about since I spent more time searching for silver keys and gargoyles than I’ve collectively spent thinking about starving children in Africa.

Near the end of my See The Future and Knothole Island quests, I realized, oh wait, this game is becoming a chore. I started getting so rageful and frustrated with beating my high score in the Colosseum that I forgot about how the game was supposed to be fun. SO, with every ability maxed out, my pocketful of 7 million Albion bucks, and the most powerful weapons available slung over my back, I said goodbye to Jeffrey, the most kick-ass virtual dog EVER to be rendered, and turned off the game. HOLY HELL I’M FREE.

THEN. Joel calls me from GameStop and is all, “Guess what just became available to reserve? FABLE 3!” I felt a rare combination of mirth and indigestion, and then demanded that he reserve it for me. Praise Science I have some months to recover from Fable 2.

NOW. Here’s what better freaking be changed in the third one:

The Trolls. W.T.F. How is fighting the Fable 2 trolls fun by ANY stretch of the imagination? Balvorines mauling off my face, I can handle it. Banshees whispering scary-ass-shit in my surround sound speakers, fine. Tower Guards with their spiky magic attack, okay, they’re assholes, but I can deal with it. But not these big dumb trolls. You get approximately .02 seconds to shoot them, and you spend the rest of the ten minute-battle being thrown through the air by his ground pounding hissy fits. Stupid. Lame. Dumb. I hate it.

People loving me so much. I was evil at first, and I have no idea why I didn’t stay that way. Once you’re at maximum not-evil and not-a-corrupt-dickhole, people will NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. I had men and lesbians all over me, all the time. They blocked my paths and I couldn’t get around them without setting their wives on fire as a polite warning.

My needy irritating family. My Fable 2 family has made me not want a family IRL. Obviously, I only got married and had a kid for the achievement points, because I’m a whore like that, but sweet mother of cod. If I didn’t go back and visit them every five minutes they’d get pissed. They need to understand that I’m saving the motherf*cking world here. I don’t have time to play patsy cakes and count to schfifty five with you, little girl.

The Dog. I wanna be able to customize my dog with war paint and doggy dentures, etc. The dog breed option in See The Future was a fantastic start. Let’s roll with that. I want to change Jeffrey into a pug and then watch him eat my children.

More Pets! Why not let me have a cat, too? Oh! And a horse to get places faster! And a parrot to remember important things, and a dolphin to help me swim. Oh, wait, these are all terrible ideas.

Level 5 Magic. Using Level 5 magic is SO slow, it’s nearly worthless. By the time I get done revving up my Level 5 fireball, my health bar is almost to zero from Hobbes banging on my head with sticks. I repeat, Hobbes. Fable 2’s little punchlines.

Numbering Hidden Crap. I’m pretty sure they figured this one out, since the two things you had to search for in See The Future and Knothole were numbered, but goodness gracious. You find yourself having 49 out of 50 keys, but you’ll never find that 50th one without starting from the very beginning and checking all possible locations, because Lord knows you weren’t keeping track.

STOP BREAKING ACHIEVEMENT RULES, DOUCHES. So. All achievements in a single game are SUPPOSED to be available for completion without buying extra content. But you can’t get the Completionist achievement without buying Pub Games. AND you can’t get other achievements without doing stupid crap at Fable2.com, apparently. Those are both really unacceptable. I don’t want to go on a freaking scavenger hunt, I just want to sit down and play my game.

There are probably more things I wanted fixed when I was playing, but whatever, I forgot.

SEE YOU ALL IN ALBION 3.0! Coming this October. Unless it gets pushed back. Which it will.

I GOT CRAP IN STORE.

2010-04-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

OMG THIS IS A SCENE FROM SOMETHING. (NOT LEVERAGE.)

Yeah, so things have been quiet in Lisa Foiles Land lately. I’M AWARE OF THIS FACT, PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN EMAILING ME. I explained it briefly on Save Point about how updates have been unhappening because I’ve been so busy with my full-time job AND filming a role on TNT’s Leverage (Sweet!). For anyone wondering, Acadamy Award-winning Timothy Hutton smells like what I assume George Clooney smells like. Also, PowerBars.

However, my schedule is clearing up and I’m ready to lasso my online audience, squeeze them tight to my accepting chest, and wrap my sarcastic-but-caring arms around their delicate necks as I fling them into my new empire. PREPARE TO BE FLUNG.

Some things coming soon:

MORE VIDEOS. It’s about cotton-picking time, right?
MORE VIDEOS INVOLVING SCRIPTS AND ACTORS. Omg wtf I’m totally not hinting at a WEB SERIES… or am I? (I am.)
MORE SAVE POINT UPDATES AND PUPPET SHOWS. You love my Devil May Cry 3 Puppet Show. This is no secret. I desire to retain your love, so, more shows for you!
HIGH-FASHION-MEETS-VIDEO-GAMES PHOTOSHOOT PHOTOS. I did an awesome photoshoot recently and I’ll be revealing the photos soon. I can only hope they will blow minds and explode faces. I almost typed feces. That would be entirely different. Oh God.
OTHER STUFF I CAN’T TELL YOU YET.

So, things will be picking up soon in my world and it should be kick-ass. Stay tuned. I love you, my little Goombas. Lady Gaga calls her community Monsters, I call you Goombas. TAKE THAT!

No need to thank me for the scatter-brained blog post! I’ve got millions of ‘em! KOWKOWKOW

BOBIES! BOBIES! BOBIES!

2010-03-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all who are continuing to spread ‘SHOW ME YOURE BOBIES’ around the Internet. I couldn’t be more proud that THAT is the phrase attached to my name.

Speaking of bobies, I finally feel like quasi-addressing and undressing something that I’ve avoided for a while: BOOBS AND SEX IN VIDEO GAMES! YAY! WOO! SPRING BREAK!

When men ask me how I feel about female nudity in games, I usually tell them I care less than a Taco Bell cashier, and when women ask me if I’m concerned about it as a serious problem, I suggest they calm down and remove the sand from their vaginas.

But to be perfectly honest, AS A FEMALE, MEANING I REALIZE GAMES ARE NOT MARKETED TOWARD ME, AND I ALSO REALIZE I *DO NOT* SPEAK FOR THE REST OF THE FEMALE GAMING COMMUNITY, the recent increase in female nudity and sex in mainstream video games has made me tilt my head slightly to the left and utter a contemplative, “Hm.”

(Trufax about Lisa Foiles include that she’s extremely laid back, rarely offended, and occasionally refers to herself in third person on Tuesdays after her morning scotch. That being acknowledged, you can rest assured that I’m not just whining to be heard without a legitimate point here.)

Let’s face it: 8-bit boobs are one thing. But today’s video game graphics look real. Therefore, we are basically staring at REAL breasts, not to mention video game bobies are larger and nicer than your average IRL bobies.

YES, this is why these games have the Mature rating - I’m not at ALL saying this content is evil and inappropriate and should be banned and yadda yadda blah blah. The thing that bothers me, as a female who is still trying to retain an ounce of moral fiber and not go to Hell, is the fact that naked boobs and sex is becoming standard in mainstream video games. It’s the norm now.

Just because I don’t see anything wrong with a Mature-rated game having these elements doesn’t mean I still want to see them in every M-rated game I play. That’s my main point here. To name a few recent games… Mass Effect 2: Sex. No More Heroes 2: LOTS of boobs and sex. God of War 3: Boobs and sex (as we all expected). Dante’s Inferno: Duh, boobs. Heavy Rain: Yes, we all know about the boobs and the strip tease. The list goes on.

…But how far are we going to push the envelope? In a year, will full-on, shameless boobs, cooch, and gross sex acts be the norm in games? Where do we draw the line? As a video game enthusiast, I just want to make sure we’re keeping things classy, folks.

Tear me apart all you want; this is just my opinion as a chick. Fine, put the giant boobs in my face and shake them around if you must, game studios, but can you maybe hold off on doing it for every title? Please? OH maybe you should give me an option in the menu! “BOBIES OR NO BOBIES.” Yeah. That’d be hawt.

Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is a Big Reeking Pile of Fecal Matter.

2010-03-07T19:07:00.000-08:00

I was STOKED for Alice in Wonderland. I admit to being one of those little fan girl whores who should get paid for all the publicity they provide for films by emailing the YouTube trailers to everyone they’ve ever met with captions like, “OMG THIS, WITHOUT EXAGGERATION, WILL BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER VIEWED BY HUMAN EYES.”

My bad.

I just got out of the theater and let me tell you, my eye sockets are throbbing with pain from how many times my eyeballs tried to lunge off my face in an escape attempt. Tim Burton is obviously going through a mid-life crisis where his main ailment is an inability to recognize atrocious writing, horrible characterization, so-so acting, and gaping plot holes when they’re right in front of him. Mother of God. You go in thinking this is going to be a dark, creepy, mind-boggling, and thought-provoking take on the ready-to-be-molded world of Wonderland, and instead you get some half-assed pile of regurgitated excrement. “OH BUT IT’S OKAY CUZ IT HAS GRAPHICZZZZ.” NO.

It’s just like Avatar. These big time directors think they can get away with movie scripts that would be better used to wipe asses just because they have stunning visuals. This is the exact sort of thinking that caused the Hindenburg to explode into flames. I assume. When is Hollywood and America going to get it through their thick, dumb, Arrested Development-canceling skulls and realize that Tim Burton + Danny Elfman + Johnny Depp + Helena Bonham Carter DOES NOT ALWAYS EQUAL PERFECTION. Can we try a different recipe? Or do we have to keep being spoon-fed these abortions of film?

“Oh, well what didn’t you like about it, Lisa, you dumb, elitist beezy?”

Everything. I disliked everything about it. Well, okay, Helena’s portrayal of the Red Queen was pretty good. The movie should have been all about her. I got sad and angsty whenever she wasn’t on screen. That will probably result in stomach problems later tonight for me. Thanks, Alice in Wonderland. First you take my money, then you give me intestinal discomfort.

I keep trying to figure out how these so-called “geniuses” like Tim Burton can sit there watching the final cut of their film -- their “art” if you will -- and not grab for the nearest trash can to quickly dispose of everything they’ve eaten in the last week. Don’t they realize their “art” is reminiscent of underwear worn by a fat construction worker with chronic swamp ass? Who wants to stare at that? WHO? Oh, and thanks for the ear-raping Avril Lavigne song at the end to top it all off there, Burton. I hope you choke on your own tongue a little bit today.

I’m angry because we’re BETTER THAN THIS. These movie makers are so, so, so, so much better than this. STOP MAKING BAD MOVIES. STOP IT. JUST STOP DOING IT. Step 1: Sit down and figure out what makes a good movie. Step 2: MAKE A GOOD MOVIE. It’s as simple as pissing. Stop trying to distract us with your shitty visual effects. It’s like putting a smiley face on an over-flowing trash can instead of emptying it, or giving Amy Winehouse breast implants. Fix the PROBLEM; don’t cover it up.

Oh, and Johnny Depp was terrible. I have indigestion now.

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

2010-02-25T12:52:00.001-08:00

XBOX LIVE. MARCH 3RD. BE THERE.

"Game with Fame" Event - My Community Section
Find me on the dashboard! DO IT.

My gamertag for the event: Lisa GwF
Multiplayer game: BioShock 2
Time: 6-7:30PM PST (9-10:30PM ET)

Well, It’s a Good Thing I’m Somewhat Pretty or I Would Have Killed Myself By Now.

2010-02-17T10:52:00.000-08:00

FYI: That title is a JOKE. OMG A JOKE. Apparently it’s necessary that I point that out.

In fact, that is the kind of joking statement that some people don’t understand is supposed to be humorous, so they post comments on things I write saying, oh I don’t know, ‘you are a cocky, arrogant dirty c.’ (Except more words are misspelled.) After a few moments of laughter, I forward it to all my friends so I can see how many of them respond with “Oh, Lisa, don’t listen to them…” or “Yeah. I posted that.”

We all know that many gamers who comment on game articles love to hate. It takes mere seconds to cast a stone from the crowd. It’s pretty hilarious. I’ve contemplated writing an article that simply says “GAMES ARE AWESOME!” just to see how many people still find something wrong with it.

I come from a land where having a strong backbone is crucial to survival: Hollywood.

“She’s too short!”
“She’s too white!”
“I hate her face!”
“She blinks her eyes poorly!”

You have to let things slide off your back or you’ll fling yourself off an overpass. (And overpasses in California are BRUTAL.) I guess that helps me ignore people who are jerks for completely no reason - like when someone posted that they hate my articles because I sound “to vain” (sic).

Dear person, Whatever offended you, I was JOKING. OMG JOKING. Love, 1337sa.

The one thing I have going for me is that most of the mean comments get smothered by a sea of “omg she’s hawt” comments. So, I guess in some twisted way, it makes me feel better that comments like, “Lisa should burn in hell for writing things I disagree with,” are followed by comments that say, “Lisa is supr sexy omfgg I wud lick her face.”

…I guess.

Bottom line: I’m not arrogant; I’m actually completely insecure. There are a million things I would change about myself. I’m just a girl who loves games and loves writing about games and wants to speak her mind because people without strong opinions are boring. When I say things like, “Wearing low-cut shirts when working at GameStop somehow got me more game reservations,” I’M JOKING. OMG JOKING.

That being said, I ADORE you guys. 90% of you say the nicest things, and really inspire me to keep doing what I love. Thank you for rolling with my punches and understanding my sarcastic humor. I have total respect for you and appreciate your intelligence. Please try to infect others with your intellect.

NOW WATCH THIS VIDEO CUZ IT WILL MAKE YOU SMILE.

You’re KILLIN’ me, Smalls!

2010-02-01T14:17:00.000-08:00

I’m not putting a lot of effort into this blawg post. Why? MAYBE because I’m putting all my time into SAVE POINT 2.0! FTW. I’m pretty excited about it. It’s slick. Plus, we have a whole new section called… aw, now why would I ruin the surprise? Anyway, I have no idea when it will be done because it’s being a bitch lately, and should be added to my list of…

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF LATELY

1. When the cheese packet drops into the boiling pot of water while making mac n’ cheese. GRR.

2. Brian and that fat guy on Ghost Hunters. KILL.

3. Any form of media with the name Tyler Perry attached to it.

4. WINDY WEATHER.

5. Samus chewing off the tips of my shoelaces. Dammit, Sammy, play with your freaking cat toys I bought you for Christmas, you little demon!!

6. DREW BREES’S HAIR.

7. Framerate issues. SO unacceptable.

8. Ice sticking to my tongue.

9. My phone only having the memory to store 25 TEXT MESSAGES. WTF.

10. Busses. And vans that say “Family Wagon” on the back.

11. The wash machine eating my socks.

12. Bra straps breaking WHILE IN PUBLIC. GDAMMIT.

13. About.com.

AND…… 14. Red Robin arguing with me and making me re-locate to a different seating area because THEY THOUGHT MY I.D. WAS FAKE. I WASN’T EVEN ORDERING ALCOHOL. omg so much kill.

I encourage all commenters to add things to this list. DON’T BOTTLE THE RAGE, GUYS.

I've Got Zombie on the Brain. (GET IT?!)

2010-01-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

What did I do over the holidays? Aside from making sure I was significantly buzzed at every family gathering, I got back into first-person shooters. I LOVE FPSs more than most parents probably love their children. But who can blame them? Children are effing annoying.

Anyway, my game of choice was Left 4 Dead. Most of you know this because I’ve been tweeting about it almost as often as Spencer Pratt tweets about being a douche bag. I am now wildly addicted to L4D in probably an unhealthy way, since it gives me a strong desire in real life to shoot anything that runs.

NEWS JERKS: SEE! VIDEO GAMES REALLY DO CAUSE PEOPLE TO BECOME VIOLENT IN REAL LIFE!

… O.ó

*PUNCH*

Okay, so L4D is super fantastic, which all of you already know because, why? Oh yeah, it came out in 2008. The AI is… adequate. I don’t recommend playing the game alone because then you’ll be surrounded by three kill-stealing, worthless chimps instead of just two or one or zero. (Keep in mind that the number of times you cuss whilst playing this game is directly related to how many AI chimps you have on your team.)

A few days after I started playing L4D, Joel was all, “Oh hey, I picked up Left 4 Dead 2: The Sequel Dun Dun Dun at GameStop today. Let’s play!”

We got to the second level in the first campaign when we realized, “Hmm. This one seems harder than the other one.” (Thaaaat’s what she…) During the second campaign, we came to the conclusion that THIS GAME HATES ALL WHO PLAY IT.

I can’t be the only one who thinks Left 4 Dead 2: This Time You Are Valve’s Bitch is frustrating. The AI director is, and I quote from one of my hilarious Twitter followers (@thejables), “a heartless doom machine that’s powered by your fear, anger, and frustration.”

I drew you some pictures of what typically happens once you summon the horde, intentionally or not:

First you get attacked by, say, 1,000 zombies. Fine.

You’ll be a badass until you get tackled by a Hunter.

Ten minutes later, one of your AI chimps rescues you from said Hunter.

While getting up, a Smoker’s grappling hook tongue will start dragging you across the room until, five minutes later, one of your chimps saves you.

As you begin the painfully slow process of healing yourself, you get mauled by 2,000 more zombies. Yet, you’re still somehow doing okay.

Once you get approximately 99% of the way through healing, you will be mounted by a Jockey, who will ride you three miles from your teammates.

Once your teammates find and rescue you, you will be standing in a sea of Green Death Goo, courtesy of a Spitter. Now you are on the ground, incapacitated, looking up at about twenty zombie crotches. You kill nineteen of them before a few Tanks show up and decide to introduce your skull to a slab of concrete. YAY! NOW YOU’RE DEAD! :D

You decide that your death is probably for the best at this point, since a Boomer just vomited on your corpse and the chimps just backed into a Witch. Fantastic.

So, when you decide to play Left 4 Dead 2: What Now, Asshole? keep in mind that you are not the only one who thinks the “Normal” difficulty should probably be considered “Hard.” Also, remember that GameStop might not let you trade in that controller if it has teeth marks.

FIN

KOTAKU HEARTS ME! AGAIN!

2009-12-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

HELLO MY LOVELY BADASS GAMER FRIENDS!

Just giving you the heads up that my big "Celebrity Guest" feature article is on Kotaku.com RIGHT MEOW!!! So you should check it out. And leave some nice comments, because I'm certain there will be TONS of mean comments from people tearing me apart. (You know how picky gamers love to say "I'm sorry, but I disagree" in response to EVERY video game article EVER written.)

So, hey, be a pal and check it out! :)

Dun DA DA DAAA………GodofWar!

2009-11-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

*Ahem* That title is supposed to be sung to the God of War theme song. I tend to have a problem conveying music through text, as seen here in a chat with my friend Mark:

Lisa: CAN YOU FIND ME AN MP3 OF THE WEDDING MARCH? THAT GAYASS SONG THAT PLAYS RIGHT AFTER THE KISS? IT GOES DUUUUN DUUUUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DA-DA-DUN DUN DA-DUUUNNNNNN
Mark: NO. I REFUSE.
Mark: ….after the kiss... they play that while the bride is walking up the aisle
Lisa: NO, THAT’S: DUN DUN DA-DUN
Lisa: DUN DUN DA-DUN
Mark: I CANT READ YOUR DUN DUNS

So the incredible God of War 3 demo taught me that sometimes you just gotta slice Centaurs in half. You gotta do it. Has to be done.

Also, it taught me that killing your mode of transportation (Harpies) while they are already in the middle of transporting you WILL, in fact, still get you where you need to go. Kratos is an ungrateful prick. These things happen.

Also also, Kratos is not unlike Guybrush Threepwood as seen in this photo. One is a blood-thirsty angry motherfather who has been dicked over so many times it has given him a strong urge to crush the skulls of every breathing creature in his path and the other is Kratos. BAHA.

Wow. Kratos and the Head of the Navigator. What a hack.

I’m really stoked for the new GoW. I got pumped up when I saw the remastered versions of GoW 1 and 2 for the PS3, which LOOK like they could be early PS3 games. That’s how cleaned up they are. I completely advise buying the collection.

…Unless you are that jerkweed from GameStop the other day who returned the remastered games saying he got ten minutes into it and thought it was stupid and repetitive. OMG. YOU WILL BURN.

An Instance of Complete Socially-Retarded Behavior in Modern Warfare 2 -- IMPORTANT

2009-11-13T20:41:00.000-08:00

So there's this chick named Amanda who is part of the All Things Fangirl blog. I have never met her in person (I know her through a friend), but just from Facebook, I am completely confident that she is awesome and kicks infinite amounts of ass. She experienced a truly heinous encounter with a socially-retarded and misogynistic male gamer while playing Modern Warfare 2 due to the lack of "party chat" -- a feature the games used to have. Here's an excerpt of her blog:

"A little later into the game, douchebag (who sounds about 15), makes a comment about shooting a 'n--ger', to which the black guy in the room does not take kindly. Douchey replies he can say whatever the hell he wants. I say "Maybe so, but that's really unnecessary."

Well, forget the blacks, because now he has a vagina to lash out at. He's probably had more contact with black people in whatever whitebread farming community he lives in than he has female genitalia. I know this, because he immediately questions me:

"Are you a dyke?...Women shouldn't be allowed to vote. [Five second pause] Women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Women shouldn't be allowed to buy Xbox games. Women shouldn't be allowed to vote. I'm just saying the truth."

Wow. What an asshat. How do we allow these people to continue breathing our air? Here is the open letter she wrote to the makers of MW2:

Dear Infinity Ward:

Please release a patch or fix that will allow users to utilize party chat in all modes of online gameplay, if only for the sake of your female fans. We shelled out the money for the game, we stayed up all night and missed half a day of work playing it, we write and read reviews and buy MW2 caps for our avatars on the XBox Live marketplace.

Out of respect for us, since, sadly, the majority of the people who play your game online have none, give us back party chat so we can enjoy the wonderful evolution of the online play without being told how unwelcome, ugly, stupid, and useless for anything other than degrading sexual acts we are. Please give us back party chat so we can have tactical conversation with the friends we're playing with, without having to hear how we have no right to be there, no right to play; so we don't have to hear, out of the mouths of sexist, bitter virgins who have clocked months worth of their lives in game time that we are socially defunct and sexually wrong, somehow, for playing. I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Amanda

Amanda. We heart you. And we think you should be allowed to vote. Call me and we'll go kick some pants-on-head retarded ASS.

K.O. BITCHES!

2009-11-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

I’m sparking some controversy today, because I’m rebellious and feel like getting yelled at by all of you. BRING IT.

I don’t really like fighting games because all fighting games seem identical. I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care. I DO, however, love the original Street Fighters on the SNES because they were some of the first games I played and were therefore amazing. I also think Marvel vs. Capcom is pretty rad. Other than those two, fighting games seem stupid to me. Every time I watch my friends play Tekken, or Virtua Fighter, or Soul Caliber, or Mortal Kombat, or God help me Castlevania Judgment, it looks like they are just slamming on the buttons with their fat fingers like a gibbon trying to open a new CD until the other player’s power bar goes down. It’s a little obnoxious to me. But hey, if it’s fun for you, that’s crap-your-pants fantastic. More power to ya.

HEY READERS! Please comment on this and tell me why you choose some fighting games over others, and share with me the joys of these games. Because right now, I find little to no joy.

P.S. I’m going to preemptively answer the inevitable “YOU JUST DON’T LIKE THEM BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT THEM N0000000B!!!1!!!!111!!” comments by saying, you’re partially right, because holy sweet merciful Jesus I suck at them. If there was a Special Olympics for fighting games, they wouldn’t even let me into the parking lot. They would be too afraid of me injuring others with my water wings and choking on my own drool. That’s how bad I am. So, so bad.

COMMENTS MAKE HAPPEN GO.

"How do ya like my new uniform?"

2009-11-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

SO I'M PROUD OF MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME. SUE ME.

I mean, hey, I was even on Kotaku, thanks to Crecente himself. OMG CLICK HERE.

Here are some more Halloween pics for funsies. ENJOY and stop judging me. (And to answer the question from that one guy who clearly hates me for no reason, yes, it all WAS just a publicity stunt. Ass.)

Spent the evening at Ground Kontrol in Portland, OR, an arcade/bar (a.k.a. my kinda place). Awesome night! (I might add more pics later, but for now, too lazy.)

Hosts in the Video Game World Piss Me Off

2009-09-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Before I continue, here I am hosting Save Point’s FIRST Top Ten video! Woo!

Back to my rant. I’m not being a hater here. I’m not pissed at the hosts themselves necessarily, because at least *some* of them have respectable knowledge about games. I’m pissed at the fact that the SAME hosts get used over and over and over and over. There is no variety. Let’s name them:

Sessler, Webb, Keighley, Munn, Periera, Chobot, and those two kids on GameStopTV.

That’s about it. Over. And over. And over. Etc.

I’m sorry – I think most of these hosts are great, but I AM SICK OF SEEING THEM. I WANT FRESH FACES. THE GAMING COMMUNITY WANTS FRESH FACES. I MEAN, I HAVEN’T ASKED EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY, BUT I BET YOU THEY DO.

So, please. Call me if you are a game company looking for a new host. I WILL ROCK YOUR EFFING SOCKS OFF. But I'll buy you more, so it's cool.

District 9 Should Have Been a Video Game – NOT a Movie

2009-08-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I get it. You LOOOVED District 9. It had aliens and ‘splosions and more aliens and blood and guts and a giant ROBOT at the end that SHOT STUFF! The kind you can see in any bullsh*t Transformers movie!

Aside from the explosions and the fact that the film was extremely well done for what it was, I wanted to walk out of the theater multiple times. I’m not big on the whole making humans look like heartless, evil, ruthless barbarians, while making the audience feel extreme emotion for creatures that don’t actually exist. (Sorry alien believers – there’s nothing out there. DON’T CRY!) I hated the soundtrack, the setting, the unanswered questions, the occasional plotholes, and, oh yeah, over 137 uses of the F word. OKAY. I GET IT. EVERYONE REALLY LIKES TO SAY “F*CK”.

So, yes, amazing movie with which I had issues, BUT…just imagine if District 9: The Movie had never existed – only District 9: The Video Game...

*SPOILERS SPOILERS OMG SPOILERS*

The game would open with cutscenes of interviews, documentary-style, just like the movie. You begin playing as Wikus with the clipboard, attempting to evict the aliens. It switches to you playing as the father alien, or maybe to his friend who gets shot by the MNU. (You probably see where I’m going with this.) The game could even have you play as the MNU or members of the Nigerian gangs for a portion.

The weapons used, the dialogue (minus a large chunk of F-words), the emotion-stirring story, and the awesomely designed creatures made for an average movie (in my opinion), but would have made for a completely unprecedented, ground-breaking video game. It strays away from the classic Good Guy/Bad Guy rut that so many games fall into – District 9 didn’t have a heroic Chris Redfield and an evil Albert Wesker, or a clearly good Master Chief and a clearly bad Covenant. We had Wikus, a flawed, selfish hero, the aliens, who had mixed motives, and the humans, who also had mixed motives, mostly wicked. Every character in D9 is driven by SOMETHING (a desire to go home, a desire to be human again, a desire for power, etc.), yet that something isn’t always obvious. I want more of this in my video games.

At most, we may later see District 9: The Movie: The Game, and it will suck horribly. How about giving the GAME first dibs on the awesome script and brilliant drama? Hmmmm?

More great reasons D9 as a video game would be awesome, click here.

That's what my character just said? Really...?

2009-08-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

5. 5 dollar. 5 dollar Jill Valentine footlong.

I’m not a pompous, unsatisfied twit or anything – I respect the game industry’s constant efforts to not show us Superman 64 graphics or spew the orchestral sounds of Pong out of our cheap Wal-Mart speakers. Storylines have improved and real character depth is making a grand entrance into the gaming world like Noah Cyrus into stripping. Box art is pretty, voice acting is improving, no ones using Comic Sans font, and Jar Jar Binks hasn’t been a recognized character in a Star Wars game since Lego Star Wars, and we all know that doesn’t count since we spent the whole time lightsabering him into pieces anyway.

That being said, there is still one MAJOR flaw in nearly all games: the scripted dialogue.

I’m not talking about obvious translation errors, such as the classic "All your base are belong to us" or Final Fantasy 2’s "You spoony bard!" Let’s examine some lines of dialogue in popular games that were written on purpose, went through countless rounds, still somehow got a producer response of "BRILLIANT!" and made the final cut:

"You were almost a Jill sandwich!"
-- Barry Burton, Resident Evil

"SUCK PAVEMENT!"
-- Marcus Fenix, Gears of War

"Don’t break any bones, old man!"
-- Tidus, Final Fantasy X

"HELL yeah, that was TIGHT!"
-- Beat, The Worlds Ends with You (Wait, didn’t this game come out in 2008? Didn’t we stop saying ‘tight’ in…what, 2002?)

"And you're going to judge us? Do you get all of your ideas from comic book villains?"
-- Chris Redfield, Resident Evil 5 (I love me some RE5…but really? That line?)

AND THOSE ARE JUST THE FIRST EXAMPLES THAT CAME TO MIND.

(Oh, and don’t even get me started on Prince of Persia 4. Any good fiction writer knows how to cleverly hint at a personality trait, as opposed to having the character blatantly state "I’M A RIDICULOUS DOUCHE!" with every line of dialogue.)

To quote Edge Online, “Video games don't necessarily need a plot (i.e. puzzle games), only enjoyment. That being the case, stories and dialogue can quickly take a back seat to gameplay should development difficulties arise.”

Here’s my point, since I always try to make one of those in my rants: Game budgets are huge these days – and it seems like it’s all going toward graphics. Can we please up the percentage of funds that go toward hiring quality scriptwriters so I don’t have to take headache medicine after rolling my eyes every ten minutes in nearly every game I play?

Come on, you spoony bards.

The Continuing Report on Adam, My Non-Stalker

2009-08-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

Adam began his and my non-relationship by posing this simple question to me on Twitter: @darthchix0r why are you so awesome?

I responded with my usual “Because I kick ass and take names” response.

Adam used to watch me on All That apparently, and recently found me online. He calmly shared this information with his friend:

Adam: you remember ALL THAT?!
Friend: well DUH.
Adam: do you remember LISA FOILES?
Friend: DUH.
Adam: DO YOU KNOW HOW F*CKING AWESOME SHE IS NOW.
Friend: no.
Adam: ....... well. she's f*cking awesome. and hot. she runs this gaming review thing site, loadsavepoint.com or you can check out her hotness on lisafoiles.com

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Save Point's new website description is "gaming review thing site." Thanks, Adam.)

Adam: you know what's sad? my dad almost made me move to Portland with him over winter break. but then he ended up not having to move. I TOTALLY COULD HAVE STALKED LISA FOILES.

The best part is that Adam emailed this conversation to me, stressing that he was not stalking me. Which is weird, because he sent it to my personal email that I don’t even really use anymore and rarely give out. Hmm.

Soon after, Adam mysteriously found me on AIM.

(Above: That's Adam in the middle. There is some kind of Twilight re-enactment story
behind this picture but I have no patience to explain it.)

Oh, Adam. You are so much more fun and entertaining than you should be. But you can’t have my address.

A closing line from Adam:

Adam: Today, I didn't wake up in Oregon. I couldn't meet Lisa Foiles and make her fall in love with me. FML

Girls Who Play Games = Not Rare; Girl Gamers = Rare

2009-07-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

I, of all people, HAVE to weigh in on this: The new trending topic on Kotaku/Total Gaming Network/Stupid Blogs Everywhere (not including mine) is that “Gamer Girls aren’t special anymore. Take them off their pedestal.”

This is a true statement.

You: ZOMG!?!?!??! BUT LISA!!! WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A –

I am. I am a gamer. But the term “gamer” has been redefined. Or, if it hasn’t, I’m about to redefine it. Let me better explain the term “gamer” as I see it…

From Dictionary.com:
= FALSE.
A “gamer” doesn’t just play games. A person who plays games is “a person who plays games.” Get it? No? Okay, listen:

People deserving of the term “gamer” are no longer only those who participate in the pastime of picking up a controller, skilled or not skilled. Rather, gamers are those who are passionate about the craft itself. A gamer sees video games as an art form. They have logical rebuttals for those who accuse video games of creating violence and making kids fat. They can list five or more game developers and publishers. They read game news articles, as opposed to just looking at the pictures. They care about character development, story arc, and excellent dialogue – not just about graphics (even though those are important, too). They can tell you at least a chunk of video game history. They know what game “All your base are belong to us” comes from. *COUGH* ZERO WING *COUGH*. (That was a freebie.)

It’s about passion – it’s not about skill.

Hollywood makes it sound like celebrity twits, such as Megan Fox and Vanessa Hudgens, are “gamers” and “nerds” because they have been caught on film with a Guitar Hero controller.

I’m sorry, if all you play is Guitar Hero, you are NOT a gamer.

Can you describe a passionate game cutscene like those from Resident Evil 5 and Devil May Cry 4?

Can you name five or more Mega Man bosses?

How does the original Tetris theme song go?

Do you know the name of that new game engine that’s making your football/wrestling games so much cleaner?

Can you name the voice actor who voiced The Prince from Prince of Persia 4 AND Nathan Drake from Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune, as well as so many others?

Who is Ron Gilbert?

I can answer those. I love games. I am passionate about them. I adore them.

I am a gamer. ARE YOU?!

So, no, girl gamers in the Dictionary.com sense are NOT rare. (Why do you think those hideous pink DS’s sell out so quickly?) But REAL girl gamers, who truly know their stuff, are.

Lara Croft vs. Necromorphs and Alma

2009-07-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

So, secret “revamped” Lara Croft concept art for the Tomb Raider “reboot” have been leaked onto the net by an anonymous mole (some guy at Eidos) using some sort of top-secret device (a camera).

According to these images, Lara will be testing out her equestrian and Legolas skills in a survival horror, open-world adventure in the Dead Marshes near the principal entrance of Mordor while battling Necromorphs and the illegitimate lovechild of Alma (F.E.A.R.) and a really ugly pig.

WOW!

INCREDIBLE!

PHENOMENAL!

ASTOUNDING!

I LOVE Lara’s new look, if that picture is actually real. (It is.) However much the Tomb Raider fanboys will cry and wail in their basements about the lack of Lara’s ample cleavage and beckoning-to-be-groped demeanor until their moms come downstairs to see if they want a fresh-baked cookie and a hug, this rugged, more-realistic appearance of Lara is EXACTLY WHAT SHE NEEDS.

QUICK NERD OUT: Eowyn from Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie heroine ever. Do you know why?

You: WHY, LISA?

Because when she’s fighting, she gets UGLY. Her hair gets MESSY. Her makeup is NON-EXISTENT. I’m sorry, ladies, I don’t care how pretty you are - if you found yourself battling the Witch-king of Angmar, you would look like hell covered in shit mixed with Mickey Rourke.

Sheva from Resident Evil 5 has been my new favorite video game heroine, since she is not only an extremely proficient zombie-slaughterer, and someone I will have on my Zombpocalypse Team along with Bear Grylls, she is sexy without flaunting it.

…Unless you obtain the outfit where she very much flaunts it.

You: WE LIKE THAT OUTFIT!

ANYWAY, a new, rugged, more realistic, hardcore Lara Croft will be sexier. Just you wait.

Oh, and here's the plot description:

You're welcome.

2009-07-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

OMG WELCOME TO WHERE I RANT ABOUT STUFF AND THINGS!

Let me get one thing straight: I HATE blogs.

You: WAT?! Then why do you have…

LET ME FINISH. I think they are a horrible encouragement for people with nothing interesting to say and no lives to go on and on about how the eggs they scrambled for breakfast aren’t sitting well and they have to go get the mail today because they forgot yesterday and oh damn it, the dog is vomiting again. NO ONE CARES.

Plus, as I’ve said on my video game website, Save Point, the word “blog” sounds like some creature that crawled out of my sewer pipes.

Even Microsoft Word (P.O.S.) doesn’t acknowledge that the word blog is actually a word.

But then again, M.S. Word also doesn’t think “jigglified” and “bitchingly” are words, and we all know that’s B.S.

BUT I’m not hating on all bloggers, because many of you have genuinely non-retarded things to talk about. And that’s awesome. So, to let you decide right away whether you want to read my blog or not, here are the things I will talk about:

Video Games
Motorcycles, mainly Ducatis because I heart them
Photoshop
Anything else I deem awesome (like…Underwater Ninja Tigers)
How much Twilight SUCKS
Other stuff, but really, mostly video games

That’s about it. Choose wisely. Also, I will not be updating this thing on a daily basis or anything. Are you kidding? I have a life, a job, and video games to play. Dur.