Kinect is an Instrument of Doom

I compare the magnitude and excitement of this year’s E3 to that of Woodstock, only with significantly less nudity. The game previews were exhilarating, the presentations inspiring, the parties invigorating! There are some amazing technological advances being technologically developed for the advancement of technology, but only one terrifies me:


KINECT.

First of all, "Kinect," to my knowledge, is not even a word. Non-words are the first indication that some sort of black magic trickery is at work.


Secondly, the government has got to be involved with Kinect, because no game company would create technology that cannot fully be utilized whilst sitting down. Gamers are not active people, yet Kinect was built around the concept of moving, jumping, dancing, flailing, etc. Do we honestly see gamers doing that for hours on end, for days in a row like they do with controllers? No. That’s why the government is tricking us into exercising by offering us Kinect. It’s like they’ve completely forgotten our American right to not exercise.

AND not only are they tricking us into exercising, they are tricking us into developing rhythm. Okay, well that one I can get behind. I’ve danced at clubs with gamers. It’s like watching someone suddenly become stricken with a severe disorder of the central nervous system.

Thirdly, this new Yoostar 2 technology is going to put me out of work. In case you are ignorant, Yoostar 2 is movie karaoke. The Kinect camera places you in a movie scene and then displays dialogue for you to read, so it’s like you’re a bona fide movie star. Don’t get me wrong; I love Yoostar. In fact, I watched Leonard Nimoy demonstrate the game at E3. He performed a scene from The Terminator. If watching Spock say, “I’ll be back” Arnold-style isn’t a mind-blowing brain-melter, I don’t know what is. Anyway, this game is going to make everyone think they are an actor, or even help them to become a better actor. I DON’T NEED ANY MORE ACTORS WITH WHICH TO COMPETE. THERE ARE ENOUGH OF THEM.

Fourth, I hope all those animals are having fun in their 2x2 cages at the humane society, because, thanks to Kinectimals, there will be no more pet adoptions! Or at least there will be significantly less adoptions! What kid wants a mangy pooping mutt when they can play with a freaking tiger cub that smiles and does back flips? I know it’s creepy that it smiles! That’s not the point! The point is that the world is ending.

Also, you think it’s bad to fight over the remote now? Just watch that dumb Kinect demo video where the happy family is watching the movie, then the little boy walks in and says, “Pause!” The movie pauses, he sits down, says, “Play!” and the movie commences. And the rest of the family smiles, as if to say, “Gee, Bobby! It’s so nice of you to get home early from the ice cream parlor with Suzy so you can watch the moving picture show with us on Super Happy Fun Family Movie Wednesday! Here, have some freshly baked American apple pie!” Are you kidding me? If that kid did that, I would be like, “BOBBY WTF This is OUR movie we’re watching! Stop just waltzing in here and saying ‘PAUSE’ like you’re the gosh-damned King of England! PLAY!” Then it would play, and Bobby would get pissed and yell, “PAUSE!” then I’d yell, “PLAY!” then he’d yell, “EJECT!!” and I’d say, “YOU EFFER IT CAN’T EJECT WITH THE MEDIA CENTER SLIDING DOOR CLOSED! YOU’LL BREAK IT!” and then we’d fight. This behavior is normal because we’re in America and that works for us, but do we really need Kinect to encourage this type of hostile interaction? No. We do not.


So, Kinect is the harbinger of death and destruction in Skynet proportions. Of course I’m going to buy one, because I’m a weak-minded sheep who must have everything that the video game industry tells me is cool and revolutionary. But that’s my own personal demon I have to deal with. The rest of you should be worrying about real demons. Like the ones that will fly out of your Kinect camera.