I was STOKED for Alice in Wonderland. I admit to being one of those little fan girl whores who should get paid for all the publicity they provide for films by emailing the YouTube trailers to everyone they’ve ever met with captions like, “OMG THIS, WITHOUT EXAGGERATION, WILL BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER VIEWED BY HUMAN EYES.”My bad.
I just got out of the theater and let me tell you, my eye sockets are throbbing with pain from how many times my eyeballs tried to lunge off my face in an escape attempt. Tim Burton is obviously going through a mid-life crisis where his main ailment is an inability to recognize atrocious writing, horrible characterization, so-so acting, and gaping plot holes when they’re right in front of him. Mother of God. You go in thinking this is going to be a dark, creepy, mind-boggling, and thought-provoking take on the ready-to-be-molded world of Wonderland, and instead you get some half-assed pile of regurgitated excrement. “OH BUT IT’S OKAY CUZ IT HAS GRAPHICZZZZ.” NO.
It’s just like Avatar. These big time directors think they can get away with movie scripts that would be better used to wipe asses just because they have stunning visuals. This is the exact sort of thinking that caused the Hindenburg to explode into flames. I assume. When is Hollywood and America going to get it through their thick, dumb, Arrested Development-canceling skulls and realize that Tim Burton + Danny Elfman + Johnny Depp + Helena Bonham Carter DOES NOT ALWAYS EQUAL PERFECTION. Can we try a different recipe? Or do we have to keep being spoon-fed these abortions of film?
“Oh, well what didn’t you like about it, Lisa, you dumb, elitist beezy?”
Everything. I disliked everything about it. Well, okay, Helena’s portrayal of the Red Queen was pretty good. The movie should have been all about her. I got sad and angsty whenever she wasn’t on screen. That will probably result in stomach problems later tonight for me. Thanks, Alice in Wonderland. First you take my money, then you give me intestinal discomfort.
I keep trying to figure out how these so-called “geniuses” like Tim Burton can sit there watching the final cut of their film -- their “art” if you will -- and not grab for the nearest trash can to quickly dispose of everything they’ve eaten in the last week. Don’t they realize their “art” is reminiscent of underwear worn by a fat construction worker with chronic swamp ass? Who wants to stare at that? WHO? Oh, and thanks for the ear-raping Avril Lavigne song at the end to top it all off there, Burton. I hope you choke on your own tongue a little bit today.
I’m angry because we’re BETTER THAN THIS. These movie makers are so, so, so, so much better than this. STOP MAKING BAD MOVIES. STOP IT. JUST STOP DOING IT. Step 1: Sit down and figure out what makes a good movie. Step 2: MAKE A GOOD MOVIE. It’s as simple as pissing. Stop trying to distract us with your shitty visual effects. It’s like putting a smiley face on an over-flowing trash can instead of emptying it, or giving Amy Winehouse breast implants. Fix the PROBLEM; don’t cover it up.
Oh, and Johnny Depp was terrible. I have indigestion now.
Are we better than this? Alice in Wonderland broke records, as did Avatar. It just seems that just everyone is stupid.
ReplyDeleteThanks you have reaffirmed my initial assumption when I saw this trailer a year ago. Sorry you had to experience it but saved me the trouble haha
ReplyDeleteI am for the sake of preserving bias going to have to wait until later in the week to read this but I am really excited to see you wrote a movie post.
ReplyDelete...Hey, whoever was just on here and yelled in Japanese and then posted a porn link, I will seriously report you. Knock that shit off.
ReplyDeleteI maintain that they should have just done the original idea of adapting American McGee's Alice instead of this version.
ReplyDeleteEven from the first trailer, I kind of figured while the potential was there and while it would probably look pretty, it would probably just end up being a poorly written pile of crap.
Also, I've enjoyed a lot of Tim Burton's work. I've enjoyed a lot of Johnny Depp's work. But can't we... you know... branch out? Just a bit? You know, try working with other people?
Yes, Lisa.. but did you like it?
ReplyDeleteGood point by Carver though. I wonder if Depp feels he has some kind of duty to Burton because of Edward Scissorhands or summink? It might explain Willy Wonka and The Mad Hatter.
I thought as the Mad Hatter Depp just looks like too much of a clown in the adverts... and then I saw the blood on his hands. I thought that was pretty cool. Implied violence... Sounds like the film didn't measure up to it though...
I could have seriously warned you about that flick... damn waste of money! Hollywood need to find something original already all that remake and different takes on films is starting to piss me off all they think about is how much money they make now hell indie films have waaaay more heart than these big box office "hits".
ReplyDeleteIt's funny i held off going to see this as i was unable to go see it this weekend even though i wanted to. Since then every review i saw was unflattering even from reviewers who are generally won over by style rather than substance and i am now glad i didn't.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to see more of the Red Queen it is apparently a direct lift of Queenie from Blackadder 2.
Wow, I still can't believe people hated it this much. I just wrote my own review and while I also hated Depp and had a few issues with it, I thought it was pretty good.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have agreed more in regards to the Avril Lavigne song at the end. So much so, I decided to stay 'til the end, just so I could find out who it was, then verbally complain about it to everyone I saw.
ReplyDeleteBut tell us Lisa; your opinion of Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat?
like everyone else who commented, aside from the porn guy, who obviously loves all kinds of weird stuff, i have to agree with you. it was almost as if tim burton had someone else make the movie for him and told them to make it look like a tim burton film.
ReplyDeletebut, in the movie's defense, the kids laughed a lot.
I don't know, good movies are getting harder to run into these days, I think the last time I saw a good movie in the theater would be District 9 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (and I don't go to theaters often as I find the increasing prices --even matinee-- to be a waste of money if it's a possible hit or miss).
ReplyDeleteNice review, I'll make sure not to see this one~
I had no interest in seeing this, as I've come to despise tim burton and his special knack for creating hot topic merchandise. However, my gf wanted to see it and I wanted a chance to wear my 3d glasses I kept and then covered in stick on jewels of various colors. see ref img 1. I have got to agree with everything you said here. This was worse than I had expected. I had anticipated loathing the aesthetics of it all, but I hadn't even imagined that the writing would be such an abortion. It was so uninteresting. I just don't even...
ReplyDeleteANYWAYS HEY I heard you do graphic design or sumn B) I am about to obtain my graphic design bacherlor's at the art institute in Dallas. Tell me what to do from here :C Do I... get a job?
I might want to follow your blog now (and I don't follow anybody's blogs, ever) because this is the best review for this movie ever, I agree so much.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you have to admit Anne Hathaway as the White Queen was kind of funny, with all the floating around and such.
This is exactly why I'm staying away from Alice. Every commercial or trailer for the film leads me to believe it's would stink enough to "knock a dog off a gut wagon," as my friend likes to say.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see I was right.
Question: Has Tim Burton ever been "good"?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I have watched a fair amount of his movies, and a lot of them left me thinking "I never want to see this garbage again". In fact, I think Sleepy Hollow was the only on I actually enjoyed (Yes, I even didn't like Batman, although I do admit Nicholson was a great Joker).
To be honest, I don't get why he's not being lampooned for dark movies as Michael Bay is for action movies. We all know that's almost exclusively what they do, it's also what they do worse, yet we still lap it up like dogs.
What's up with that?
I rarely comment on twitter postings, but your rant is justified. I went into the movie with very little expectations. But the entire time all I could think about was how horrible the animation was, how horrendous their "loose interpretation" of both the movie and the book were. And how the movie should have never been called "Alice in Wonderland", all of these "loose interpretations" of loved older movies and books is getting old.
ReplyDeleteIt's becoming more readily apparent that Hollywood is running out of ideas, and that they are purely pumping out giant heaping piles of crap that we have to sift through to find one gem a year, and that is being kind. Avatar was visually stimulating but the story was predictable and it didn't feel like anything new.
The thing that bothers me the most is that we as a society have come to accept these movies as award winning movies. We warn our friends and somehow they still go and watch the movie to "see for themselves" and come to the conclusion "it wasn't that bad" compare to what, Striptease?. This doesn't happen in the game industry, we mention a game is a heaping waste of money and people wont buy the game and under most circumstances even play it.
So where is the communication breakdown? Where are we going wrong? Something needs to change in order for us to grade the quality... or lack thereof in our current selection of movies. In closing I am tired of wasting my money on these movies only to find out how horrible they are, please let's spread the word of just how stupendously horrid this movie is. Anyways /rant off :)
It's sad these dissapointments don't even phase me anymore. I should have been excited about this movie. The idea sounded interesting and somewhere inside, I am very much rooting for Tim Burton.
ReplyDeleteBut I still sat out and waited for the reaction. And again it seems like that was the smart move.
The wait-and-see approach has been saving me from suffering buyers remorse in games.
Know what Mr Burton needs to watch? Pan's labyrinth.
By the way, very funny post.
The guy above me just insinuated that the game industry is less stupid than the film industry...
ReplyDeletewhat do you expect? it is Disney.
ReplyDeleteDamn..... I liked avatar.. Sure its a remake of Cowboys and Indians. but... ummm.. its just a movie guys.
ReplyDeleteTo be completely honest, I enjoyed Alice in Wonderland, and here's why.From my first time seeing Batman Returns as a kid, I've never liked Tim Burton . Since then, it's been disappointment after disappointment, weird dark film after weird dark film, with the occasional different movie (like Big Fish) thrown in. Thus, I went into this movie with absolutely no expectations- hell, wouldn't have even seen it had my little sister not begged me to take her. So since I expected it to be utter and complete crap, I was pleasantly surprised that I could at least enjoy some of the more amusing parts of the film- like Christoper Lee as the Jabberwocky, Anne Hathaway's eccentric White Queen, and the obviously cocaine-addicted March Hare.
ReplyDeleteMoral of the story? When dealing with Time Burton, just don't expect anything- you won't be disappointed.
P.S. Why on earth would any of you actually sit through the avril lavigne song? You should all know better!
Leo has a point. If you can go into it not expecting a masterpiece than when it turns into a cool looking, lighthearted fluff piece you will still at the least be able to enjoy it for that purpose.
ReplyDeleteI saw it tonight, and will be posting 100 word reviews of it sometime this week but really what it came out to for me was, eh I can take it or leave it. The acting wasn't great but when is the acting in a PG film? As for expecting something worthwhile from Burton, are you kidding? He is a record stuck on repeat and that track we all once loved has worn oh so thin
Yeah def, I expected to dislike it and ended up loathing it.
ReplyDeleteTim Burton is 51 years old. That's mid-life? Maybe I'm not as old as my kids keep telling me...
ReplyDeleteAnd what where you thinking anyway? Burton's Mad Hatter is wearing this dress/tunic-looking thing in the previews.
NEVER trust a man in a tunic.
Good to know I was right based on the previews. Nothing about this movie enthused me in the slightest.
ReplyDeleteI just felt bad because my daughter was so disappointed in it. She'd been talking about it for months, but when she got home with her mom you could tell the film was junk. All enthusiasm was gone.
ReplyDeleteI compare Alice in Wonderland to an altered New Hope, wherein the first words Obi-Wan says to Luke are that by the end of the movie he must fly Red-5 into the Death Star trench and use the force to blow it up because only Luke can pilot Red-5. Luke then proceeds to spend the next hour and a half wandering around taking acid and bitching about wanting to make his own decisions and then ends up flying Red-5 into the Death Star trench, using the force and blowing it up. Then avril lavigne starts "musicing".
ReplyDeleteBah, I say good day.
I agree, I also slept half part of the movie, and still was like being slapped with dead kittens in the face...
ReplyDeleteIs it interesting that with the host of things that are horribly askew with Amy Winehouse, she decided to sink her money into big fake boobs...
ReplyDeleteI know I'm entirely late to this, and the DVD is already out, but (without going to IMDB) who can name me the actress who plays Alice? I bet only one of you has paid enough attention to do so.
ReplyDeleteSadly, the only person I've seen advertised in this movie is the Mad Hatter. He's on the poster, he's on the DVD cover, his face appears mostly in the commercials. It's more like Tim Burton's Mad Hatter In Wonderland.