I've Got Zombie on the Brain. (GET IT?!)

What did I do over the holidays? Aside from making sure I was significantly buzzed at every family gathering, I got back into first-person shooters. I LOVE FPSs more than most parents probably love their children. But who can blame them? Children are effing annoying.

Anyway, my game of choice was Left 4 Dead. Most of you know this because I’ve been tweeting about it almost as often as Spencer Pratt tweets about being a douche bag. I am now wildly addicted to L4D in probably an unhealthy way, since it gives me a strong desire in real life to shoot anything that runs.

NEWS JERKS: SEE! VIDEO GAMES REALLY DO CAUSE PEOPLE TO BECOME VIOLENT IN REAL LIFE!

… O.ó

*PUNCH*

Okay, so L4D is super fantastic, which all of you already know because, why? Oh yeah, it came out in 2008. The AI is… adequate. I don’t recommend playing the game alone because then you’ll be surrounded by three kill-stealing, worthless chimps instead of just two or one or zero. (Keep in mind that the number of times you cuss whilst playing this game is directly related to how many AI chimps you have on your team.)

A few days after I started playing L4D, Joel was all, “Oh hey, I picked up Left 4 Dead 2: The Sequel Dun Dun Dun at GameStop today. Let’s play!”

We got to the second level in the first campaign when we realized, “Hmm. This one seems harder than the other one.” (Thaaaat’s what she…) During the second campaign, we came to the conclusion that THIS GAME HATES ALL WHO PLAY IT.

I can’t be the only one who thinks Left 4 Dead 2: This Time You Are Valve’s Bitch is frustrating. The AI director is, and I quote from one of my hilarious Twitter followers (@thejables), “a heartless doom machine that’s powered by your fear, anger, and frustration.”


I drew you some pictures of what typically happens once you summon the horde, intentionally or not:

First you get attacked by, say, 1,000 zombies. Fine.




You’ll be a badass until you get tackled by a Hunter.




Ten minutes later, one of your AI chimps rescues you from said Hunter.





While getting up, a Smoker’s grappling hook tongue will start dragging you across the room until, five minutes later, one of your chimps saves you.




As you begin the painfully slow process of healing yourself, you get mauled by 2,000 more zombies. Yet, you’re still somehow doing okay.





Once you get approximately 99% of the way through healing, you will be mounted by a Jockey, who will ride you three miles from your teammates.





Once your teammates find and rescue you, you will be standing in a sea of Green Death Goo, courtesy of a Spitter. Now you are on the ground, incapacitated, looking up at about twenty zombie crotches. You kill nineteen of them before a few Tanks show up and decide to introduce your skull to a slab of concrete. YAY! NOW YOU’RE DEAD! :D




You decide that your death is probably for the best at this point, since a Boomer just vomited on your corpse and the chimps just backed into a Witch. Fantastic.


So, when you decide to play Left 4 Dead 2: What Now, Asshole? keep in mind that you are not the only one who thinks the “Normal” difficulty should probably be considered “Hard.” Also, remember that GameStop might not let you trade in that controller if it has teeth marks.

FIN